And then it hit me.

ᴘʀᴏᴍɪsᴇ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜ’ʟʟ ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ʀᴇᴍᴇᴍʙᴇʀ: ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ʙʀᴀᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ʙᴇʟɪᴇᴠᴇ, ᴀɴᴅ sᴛʀᴏɴɢᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ sᴇᴇᴍ, ᴀɴᴅ sᴍᴀʀᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʜɪɴᴋ. (ᴄʜʀɪsᴛᴏᴘʜᴇʀ ʀᴏʙɪɴ ᴛᴏ ᴘᴏᴏʜ – ᴀ.ᴀ.ᴍɪʟɴᴇ) 

This past week, a few things really hit me. The fact I didn't grow up with parents that set an example of what true love and commitment are started to circulate my brain. It's something that I don't think I had realized previously. 

I mean, not every relationship is good right? But when you don't have that example and find yourself in a relationship that tests who you are and where you want to be, it becomes a blurry future. I spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What I could do better to make the relationship work, but I wasn't finding any answers no matter how hard I tried.

I think I have finally realized that no one can teach you how to love and that you truly need to love yourself before you can fully love someone else. Something I have never be able to do. I've always been jealous of people who have that level of confidence (deep to the core, real confidence not the front some use to mask their true feelings).

I knew my ex loved me, but I couldn't accept it. I put up walls I didn't even realize were there until a mere 3 years after I left him. That's sad, and heart wrenching. To think the effect my negativity and lack there of love for myself projected onto another being hurts me, but it also gives me the strength I have been trying to find to let go of the past and forgive him for the way he made me feel in return.

It is crazy how two beings need to work together to create a solid foundation and build a strong relationship. Relationships are hard work, and you need to be willing to put that in every single day. That's not to say any relationship will work as long as you "put in the work." Some collaborations, just don't jive. Mine didn't. A friendship and common interests, those were there. Our views and opinions on many things, that was the same too. But the important aspect of love, how to show it and feel it,  our love languages, just didn't align.

The way situations were handled, the immaturity and hurt that was experienced have truly changed me and shaped me, and even if he doesn't realize it, it has done the same for him too I am certain. I try not to let myself look back on it that way now. Look at the good that came of it. The memories of course, but the strength, maturity and realizations.

Sometimes letting go is hard. Sometimes moving on is hard, but at the end of the day, there is no other choice. It has taken me 3 years, while in another relationship with new hurdles and struggles, but also a lot of new positive aspects I needed, to finally come to some sort of level ground.

Many nasty text messages, feelings of sadness and anger, jealousy, frustration, therapy and attempts at understanding have lead me here. A huge lack of understanding, things that will NEVER make sense. Lies and accusations that I have have live with, but I am going to accept it. I need to move on from it, because at the end of the day, the past is that past. It has taken and given me so much, and that is what I need to remember.