Struggling with Loss

The truth is, losing someone is never easy.

I’ve had a hard time attending funerals and understanding death for as long as I can recall.

The older I get, the more loss I endure, and the more I realize this is the cycle of life, not that I didn’t know we’re all going to die one day, but when you’re a child, the reality is harder to comprehend.

I am lucky to have had 1 great grandmother, all 4 grandparents, both of my parents, my sibling and all of my immediate aunts, uncles and cousins and friends on this earth until 2020.

Unfortunately there is a time in your life, when all of that begins to change. I had lost a few more “distant” family members throughout my life, some of which were extremely hard, but September 2020 is when that all changed for me.

September 3rd, 2020 began the cycle of loss with an extremely difficult one. Let's take a step back, and remember how this friendship started.

Back in 2016, I discovered a fitness group on Facebook, Live2BFit. I have always been afraid of public places such as gyms or fitness centers of any sort. Why? Because I have always had self-esteem issues and was afraid to be judged for my appearance or skills in such places.

None the less, I managed to encourage one of my closest friends to check out this fitness center with me. We decided to try out the Kangoo classes they offered there. I had the BEST experience of my life, it was fun, I felt good afterwards, the people were welcoming and the instructor, Kerry, was nothing short of motivating and kind.

Somehow, this experience encouraged me, with many days where I had to practice endless self-talk to get myself there, to continue and engage in not only the Kangoo class, but also the Boot Camp offered here.

I found out that my instructor had been battling cancer for quite some time. We had other instructors involved, but something about this woman was just so special and she truly made an impact on my life.

She helped me find confidence in myself, something I love FOR ME, and strength I didn’t know I had. Between her trips to Germany and all of her treatments, she truly took on the title of a Warrior not only to myself and our fitness family, but to our community.

Through the ups and downs of Kerry’s battle, I struggled with the fact she wouldn’t be on this earth for as long as I needed her to be. Sounds greedy right? I know, but the truth is, I know there were a ton of others, especially her husband and her young son, who needed her here too.

Fast forward to the end of July 2020. My boyfriend and I decided to take a weekend away at camp and unplug. On the 25th, we took a quad ride out quite a ways from our camp and we blew the rear-differential. It took us the majority of our night, and a 13km walk to get back to camp, where the truck was parked which we then used to tow the quad back. The entire time I was walking back to camp, I felt strong and as if someone was pushing me. I remember looking at Steph and saying, all I hear in the back of my head is Kerry (she tended to yell at me during class to keep me focused and pushing harder, something I will always remember and cherish). I completed that walk with 0 complaints, no breaks and no water.

The next morning, July 26th, I had a feeling I should check my messages. To my surprise, Kerry had texted me the previous day: "I have a little something for u. I can leave it on my doorstep if ur available." I replied letting her know i would be back from camp the next day. She replied asking me to go alone and stating "If u dont want to see me like this I understand. I can leave it on doorstep and u can remember me healthy and fit. I love u."

I remember my heart breaking, I knew she wasn't well, and I knew the time was coming but I knew I wasn't ready for it. I replied instantly "I would never miss an opportunity to see you ❤." She sent me photos of her mowing down a ton of candy, it had been 6 years since she had any sugar. It made me happy because she deserved it, but I knew what that meant too.

July 27th is the day I visited Kerry for the last time. We laughed, we cried and we said our goodbyes. The most heartbreaking part, aside from seeing her so ill, was the fact I couldn’t even give her one last hug. The fact that COVID stripped that away from her, and from me, is something I will forever cry about when I recollect those moments. She passed on many of her Kangoo shirts, including her first ever Kangoo sweater, one of her favourite alcoholic beverages for me to drink the first Thursday after her passing in her memory, a bracelet to bring me positive energy, and a positivity card she carried in her wallet for many years. 

Kerry passed peacefully, at the young age of 41, on September 3rd 2020, at the Maison McCulloch Hospice. To this day, the thought of Kerry’s life being striped from her so young gives me the chills but I try to find peace in the memories, and the strength in knowing she is around, pushing me and cheering me on each and every day. ❤