Seven Years.

 

Just over a year after leaving my seven year relationship. I was still exhausted, mentally lost, depressed, angry, confused, and just about any other emotion you could possibly think of.

Rewind to the winter of 2018, I left and I was living with a friend, something I’ve never done before. I had my entire life planned out, so I had thought.

Did I want it to end? No. Did I choose to leave? Yes. I hated what we had become, and I hated the idea of the rest of my life being spent making someone feel the way I made him feel, and feeling the way he had made me feel.

I was in denial, I thought what I was experiencing was how life was supposed to be. I was afraid to lose everything I had put my whole life into, and I was afraid to let go.

We had a beautiful home together, all of our toys, and a life we built together. For that I am thankful, because losing those things has taught me to appreciate life so much more for what is truly is.

I blamed myself more than anything, even though people seen it differently. We remained friends, originally, but that was hard and his mind set changed over time (and I am sure other factors have played into that too).

I was shy, afraid, lost and more than anything relieved. I was proud of myself for letting go of what I no longer believed in, for me and for him. But I was confused, hurt and angry for hurting someone I loved.

“What more could I have done?” “Where did I go wrong?” “Why did I treat him that way?” “Why did he treat me that way? Those were common questions I asked myself. I went through the heart ache of sadness, anger, and forgiveness, but not all in one year.

I learned that the grieving process cannot be rushed, and even though I had moved on a few months later, that posed it’s own struggles too. When he completely cut me out of his life summer of 2019, it was a new hurdle to cross and more confusion to deal with.

Pursuing a relationship with someone that early on is often seen as a band aid and referred to as a “rebound.” Terminology in which I have never believed in. I had known and worked directly with this man for many years prior. He along with a few of our other guy co-workers, were close friends who relied on each other frequently.

He had known my personal struggles, and he supported me through my decision. I always looked up to his previous relationship, because they were together for so long and all I seen was perfection, marriage, kids, everything I had planned out, but we all know, no relationship is prefect.

We conquered struggles, and motivated one another to try many different things in our relationships over the years to ensure mindset certainty. A coincidence to say the least, but being two people in the same sort of situation, minus marriage and kids on my end, it seemed effortless to support one another after the hurdles were crossed.

When someone you know so well, supports you so patiently and kindly, it really is impossible not to gain some sort of feelings for them. These are the types of relationships people gossip about, and make all kinds of assumptions about, but that couldn’t change anything even if we wanted it to.

January of 2019

We began staying in his travel trailer together. A place we went through gas and propane faster than I had ever seen in my entire life, hand pumped and poured water to take a shower, and slept inside of sleeping bags to keep warm.

Brutal right? If you know my childhood, then you would know my answer is no. It was challenging, but it was rewarding. Living this way really does test your strength. We survived, and it is something I will treasure for the rest of my life.

We moved home with my parents just before Christmas of 2019. The amount of money we were throwing away to heat and travel from the trailer was making it difficult to picture a bright future. To say living out of a bedroom, having kids over every other weekend sleeping in the recroom and being stuck together, all while all of your personal things that you were able to pack from your previous life are stored away in totes was hard is an understatement. I am so thankful for my parents, because if it weren’t for that year of struggle, we wouldn’t be where we are now.

Throw in a couple side jobs, things I added into my life for extra money and to keep my mind busy. One of these businesses, LimeLife that you see me post about every single day, has truly changed my life and I want every woman who wants skin improvements, flawless lasting make-up, an extra income, incredible compensation and the best sisterhood you could ever ask for, to try the products or the business. If it weren’t for two of the incredible women on my team, my mind wouldn’t be as at ease as it is going into 2021.

Here we are, January 2021. 1 year and 1 month after moving home. We purchased a home together, we move in on February 1st.

We have both grown, managed life and become so grateful for the past 2 ½ years of struggles, pain, confusion and everything else in between both apart and together.

I have gained an extra monthly income which has contributed to being able to afford a home, and self-confidence as well as friendships I didn’t realize I truly needed.

I want every single person out there who is struggling to leave a relationship, or struggling to recover from the loss of one, to re-read my story, and gain strength.

You are never stuck, and you will have a future. It IS possible to have a home again, and it is possible to find yourself too. I haven’t been who I am today, in years, but I have also grown in ways I can’t even explain, things I never knew I had in me are now present.

Next time it crosses your mind, remind yourself. Reach out to me. Think long and hard, but never rush an important decision. Mind sets and feelings change over time, not over night. Love yourself. Put yourself first, and pursue the life you want.